What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 29.06.2025 10:33
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
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I think the readers, may guess!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
So, i spoilt her more .
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He was dying to do it , i knew.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
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19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
How do you perform a lap dance for your boyfriend or husband?
Was to survive, this bastard.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Would this be the day?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was very sick at this time too.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
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Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I was 9 years of age.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I don,t even have a pension.
And i lived it daily.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
We all went to grammer schools
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
One cannot live in the past .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
As i do to all so called friends.?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She married twice! .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I was scared of men, in general
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Ive learnt so much.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He resisted the act ,that day.
But it wasn’t much.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
This is soul school!.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
So whats the point in blame.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I waited trembling.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He knew the spot.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I have no regrets .
Who then, do I blame.?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She loved him until the end.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
All the time i was locked up.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My family never makes their pension either.
What did i know ?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
We were not on the streets..
I said to her
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She wouldn,t have been !
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I write beautiful poetry .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I was seconnd youngest,
She was in good health!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
This is how, and why children get BPD.
When she asked me how she looked .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Put me off passion for life!!
I never cut or harmed myself..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Im still living with it.
I will be 64.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I couldn’t, believe it.
She found it foreign!.
But, we were locked up after school.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Comes on , in middle age.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Especially a lifetime of it.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
It was going to be , some day.
My life is so biszare .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.